I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
