Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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