if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
