the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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