this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
