Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
