it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
