First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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