Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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