Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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