Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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