dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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