Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
