i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
