No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize