he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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