is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
