Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
