She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
