I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
