last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
