my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
