Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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