This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
