We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
