you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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