I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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