News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
