I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
