My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
