Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
