Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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