dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
