i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Found the puke drawer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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