I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Terrible idea I love it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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