Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
