Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
