Will you blow on my dice?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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