Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
