Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
