There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
