Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
