Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
