True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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