If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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