Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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