Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
