This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
