3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
