she woke up with a sticky ear
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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