I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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