i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
