I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My ass is underappreciated
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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