Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
