I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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