you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
