All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
