New low: just hacked my moms facebook
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
