I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
