A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
