I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
