just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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