I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
