after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
