You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
