He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
